July 24th, 2011
A.K. & Nelly
A.K.: Hey, welcome back to the A.K. and Nelly show, baby! We have the honor of welcoming the GM of the Hitmen, Michael Czosnyka, onto the show! Michael is in town watching his team face our very own Featherheads.MC: Thank you for having me.
Nelly: GM of the Hitmen? This is a Florida station. Why do we have some guy from New Jersey on the show?!
A.K.: Cool it, Nelly. It is always an honor to have someone from the PEBA on our show!
MC: My assistant told me it would be good publicity to do an interview or two, so here I am.
Nelly: You got that right, buddy! We are best in the biz! Better than that so-called show in Colorado!
MC: I am not a big fan of the Colorado area myself. Too much "business" to worry about in that area. No fun to be had like here in sunny Florida.
Nelly: I like this guy already.
A.K.: I gotta ask you, Michael; how do you feel to be a part of the PEBA? It is a privileged job. Only 24 jobs out there! What's your first impression of taking over the Hitmen?
MC: I was very excited to take over. We… I believe that running a team like the Hitmen is a great business opportunity for me and my associates. I am still learning the ins and outs of the league but we hope to have the team going in the right direction soon enough. For now, we are focused on turning the finances around; can't run a business venture if we are not making money.
Nelly: Darn straight. Just look at Ford. They did not get the moniker, Fix or Repair Daily for nothing.
A.K.: People have told me that you have to pay to learn in poker. What about being a GM? Have there been some tough lessons for you?
Nelly: Yeah, like seeing all your traded players make it to the All-Star Game? How did that taste?
MC: It was like a kick in the mouth from a horse. But we didn't have much choice. We were paying some players way too much money. I don't know what they did to have the previous leadership pay them so much. I wouldn't pay some of these guys this kind of money. The fans were not too happy about the moves, though. Apparently some people in New Jersey actually like baseball…
Trying to keep the fans happy has probably been the hardest task for me. I only see the money side of the game, so it's difficult for me to gauge what makes them happy. They seem to love our outfielder Cal Edwards ‒ don't know why. I only see a $9 million liability.
Nelly: Don't forget Ríos. I bet seeing Daniel Ríos leave would make them happy. That guy is a bum. People say Cash Warren is the luckiest man on Earth, but being Ríos ain't too bad either
MC: Ríos… it's unfortunate a man of his talents ‒ or rather, his lack thereof ‒ is taking up a spot on my roster. It would be unfortunate if he had to take an early retirement like his fellow outfielder Parker.
A.K.: I like you, Michael. You're a straight shooter, buddy! Speaking of your fans, I am sure you are aware of the team's history. We're talking about a storied franchise, baby! The Hitmen have been winners. It must be hard on the fans to see them plummet so hard.
MC: Winning in the Inaugural Season looks more like luck to me than being winners. As far as I am concerned, there is no history before Czosnyka when it comes to the Hitmen. My history starts now, and I predict it will be filled with lots of money.
Nelly: Exactly, man! That's how I treat my exes. No need to look in the past. It's all about the new girl.
MC: The new girl is always more fun than the old girl. (laughing)
Nelly: Ha-ha, yeah!
A.K.: Don't get off track now, Nelly! Michael, I gotta ask you about your division, baby! Your division has been flip-flopping for years. Just look at Manchester. They went from first to worst and now first again! Do you think the Hitmen can do the same?
MC: The Pan-Atlantic is a weak division ‒ probably the weakest in the league. It seems anything can happen each season. I am sure we can contend just fine in the coming years.
Nelly: Yeah, it's kinda like the JV division. Does that change your outlook? You're changing from a 5-year to a 3-year plan?
MC: I believe we could be ready sooner rather than later, and having subpar competition definitely helps that matter. Making the playoffs means more money, so we definitely want to be back in them as soon as possible.
Nelly: Money makes the world go round.
A.K.: I look at your pitching staff and it looks promising, baby! I loved your draft. It was fab-tastic! Pablo is raking it in AAA. When are we gonna see big Pablo, baby?!
MC: Pablo will see time when the rosters expand later this year. Unless of course someone gets injured. But we are proud of Pablo's patience and continued success in AAA.
Nelly: Let's hope it is Ríos that goes down. Then again, it is hard to get injured while sitting on the bench.
MC: Yes, let's hope. (smirks to himself)
A.K.: Oh man, you two are brutal! I would never wish ill on anyone. Speaking of the draft, my oh my… what a draft! Jones, Encarn and Pérez are stellar picks! “Hot like fire” picks, baby! You gotta tell me how you approached the draft!
MC: Jones was our top pick because of his versatility. He has a decent swing, is fast as lightning and can play the whole infield. When we got to our pick and saw he was available, it was an easy pick. We just followed where we thought the money would come from. Encarn and Pérez were both very safe additions and they will hopefully bolster our already young staff in the future. They are both impressing down in Hilo now.
Nelly: If A.K. is going to give you credit for the draft, I gotta dish it out to you on the trade with Crystal Lake. Yi? I never even heard of the guy. Did Crystal Lake drug you on this deal?? Even Tom Arnold is more known than this guy.
MC: I asked my associates for some help as my scout was out of town looking at some other prospects. Turns out my assistant, Mr. Kuklinski, doesn't know as much about baseball as I would hope. I won't lie; the kid has potential, but he seems to have lost his pop since coming over. Might have to have my associates remind him of his job and why he's here…
A.K.: On the flip side, Miguel Ortíz has ripped it up for you.
MC: Miguel has done wonderfully for another little-known guy. He has been earning his paycheck for sure.
Nelly: I guess you can say, “Welcome to the league.” You see a new guy in the town and voilà! time to hook, line and sinker him!
MC: (laughing) Don't worry; I have a great memory when it comes to business. My associates and I do not forget when someone who tries to wrong us.
Nelly: It's a cruel world out there.
MC: (mumbling indistinctly) …and I can be a lot crueler.
A.K.: Oohhh, I barely caught that, but we shall let our listeners decipher that. What do you think about this offseason? Any ideas on how you will approach it?
MC: We will probably try to fill a few holes and move a few more guys. Nothing too big. There are a few more contracts I would like to see gone so we can bring in some younger guys.
Nelly: Ha, maybe you can trade Ortega for a number one. Like I always say, every minute a sucker is born.
(Czosnyka gives Nelly a mean look)
Nelly: Hey man, I tell it like how it is.
A.K.: Nelly, give our guest a break. He's doing a fine job. You can't do any better! Being affiliated with Florida, I gotta ask you… how do you evaluate the Mosley trade? I know it is still early, but what do you think of it?
MC: The Mosley trade fit right in with our plans. We shed some much-needed contract space and picked up future talent. Bonsink is on the cusp of proving he can play in the majors. Ortíz is doing well down in AAA as well. Both Nick and Bill are continuing their growth and should make an impact for us down the line. We also were able to pick up a solid reliever with closer potential in Don Killy with the acquired pick. While giving up a player that has potential like Mosley hurts any team, we picked up guys that can play for us down the line like we want.
A.K.: Yeah, I saw that Tressider kid playing for Union City. For a stretch, I thought he was swinging with a 2x4. He hits the ball like he wants to hurt somebody. Hurting somebody… you ever hear the rumors about your organization and, ummm, hurting somebody?
MC: Hmm… with his swing he probably could hurt some people… sorry what? Oh, yes, he has a fine big league swing. Rumors are all they are. We have never done anything of the sort. If you know anyone starting rumors, send them to my office, I am sure we can straighten them out.
Nelly: That would be sweet if you guys did, though. I've seen where people own a business as a front. Then they do all kinds of shifty stuff in the background. That would be exciting living life on the edge.
(The song "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" by the Dropkick Murphys cues up.)
MC: Are you accusing the Hitmen of running a racket?
Nelly: Naw, never. I'm just telling you that I want in. I can be your contact down here in the south. I can keep an eye out for you. Like, you know, you seen in those mobster shows… you also got that wingman checking if the money is fake or counting to make sure the money is all there. I can tell you if someone like Yi is a fake or not. I'll be like, "Boom shakalaka, that fool is trying to slip you some damaged goods!"
MC: Grow up, son; this is not a TV show or the movies. A.K., keep your friend here on a shorter leash, would you? Before his fancy ideas get him hurt.
A.K.: Sorry Michael. I apologize for my buddy here. He gets excited too easily. He watches too much Showtime.
Nelly: Lay off, man. I'm getting over my ex. I gotta move onto something new and exciting.
MC: Next time you're in town, A.K., stop by the office. We'll make sure you stay at New Jersey's finest hotel and eat at our finest restaurant. You can leave your buddy at home, though. If he showed up in New Jersey, I fear he would only get hurt. It's a rough neighborhood.
Nelly: I wouldn't want to go to Jersey anyway. It's like New York-light. It is rough. I see people get roughed up on Jersey Shore all the time. Hard knocks, man.
A.K.: See? I tell you, he watches too much TV.
MC: Seems to show the rumors of it rotting your brain to be true.
A.K.: And I would love to take you up on that offer. I think the Featherheads will be in New Jersey next month.
MC: Indeed you will; make sure to stop by.
A.K.: Alright, baby, before this gets out of hand… I would like to end our segment with some word association. I throw out a name and you tell me the first word that pops in your mind. Jian Du.
MC: Déjà vu.
A.K.: Ha-ha, I like that, baby!
A.K.: Dan Schaffner.
Nelly: Ahem, overpaid.
MC: Solid. I know of someone in this room that is probably overpaid... (staring at Nelly)
Nelly: What can I say? I'm living the American dream.
A.K.: I'm gonna ignore that, Nelly. What about Cal Edwards, Michael?
MC: Out the door. Just the type of player I don't like. Wants too much money for the little to no production he is providing.
A.K.: Ouch. Put some Neosporin on that! The guy is like Old Yeller. He's been a huge part of Hitmen history and now it's time to lay him to rest.
MC: Love the analogy, A.K.
A.K.: José "Twinkle Toes" Cruz.
Nelly: Ga… (interrupted)
A.K.: Don't even go there Nelly!
MC: The future. Twinkle Toes has a promising future ahead of him and we expect him to be in our rotation in the coming years.
A.K.: I don't even know how he got that nickname. You gotta find out that story for me one day, Michael.
MC: Ballet? Who knows? Kid’s got a weird one for sure. Will have to ask him.
Nelly: Probably don't wanna ask him in private, if you catch my drift.
A.K.: Arlington Bureaucrats.
MC: I like what the former senator has done with the team. My kind of owner. Bureaucrats fits, I guess, with the senator being on board.
A.K.: Speaking of which, is there a team that you try to emulate? I tell myself all my time that I'm in the shadow of Brad Pitt but so it has not been working out for me, baby!
MC: No team in particular. I am hoping we can make a name for ourselves rather than try to follow others. Just trying to do the best we can.
A.K.: How ‘bout these words: Aurora Borealis? What comes to your mind? Baby, I'm thinking winner!
Nelly: More like wieners to me.
MC: I think the popular phrase I have heard since coming to the PEBA is “Evil Empire”. They have some new guys running the show there now, though, and they have plenty of money, so they can't be all that bad.
A.K.: Evil Empire… I always said that perception is 9/10th of reality. How ‘bout this word: baseball?
MC: Business.
A.K.: Whoa, whoa, a business? Not a game? You saying this is not your uncle's sandlot game? I guess as a GM, you gotta approach it that way.
MC: It's a game for the guys on the field; for me, it's a business. I need to make sure the team is making money.
Nelly: Business, huh? Do you believe this business is pure cutthroat? Would you ever dream of screwing over a player or peer, all in the name love and war?
MC: The only thing I dream of screwing… never mind. Business is business ‒ sometimes you do what you have to, to get ahead.
A.K.: I guess it goes both ways. You don't get any slack yourself. I'm sure fans would be out there lynching you if the Hitmen do not turn it around. Watch out for the pitchforks! They hurt!
MC: Indeed.
A.K.: Well Michael, I think our segment is just about up. It was a pleasure to have you join us. It's not every day that we get a man like yourself on the show!
Nelly: (mumbles) Kiss up…
MC: Thanks for having me A.K. ‒ looking forward to seeing you in New Jersey.
A.K.: There you have it, folks! Michael Czosnyka, GM of the New Jersey Hitmen!
Nelly: Hey Mike, have your people call my people and we can work something out. Wingman!
(Czosnyka sighs to himself)
A.K.: Ok boys and girls, we'll see you right after the traffic report. Thanks again, Michael. Good luck to your team the rest of the way! There you have it, baby! Michael Czosnyka has left the building!
A.K and Nelly are the play by play announcers and color commentary for the Florida Featherheads. This story was not subject to the approval of Planetary Extreme Baseball Alliance or its clubs.
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